Title Explanation

I realized I should probably explain the title of this blog. The phrase "the mystery of this heart which beats" is from a poem by Victorian English poet Matthew Arnold. The poem is "The Buried Life." The poem is essentially about finding the essence of life in the midst of a crazy world and hectic life as well as finding our true selves. And it is love that helps us do that and makes it possible. 

A quote from the poem (I would encourage anyone to read the whole thing, its wonderful): 

"Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o'er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there's a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne. [...] 

But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go."

--From "The Buried Life" by Matthew Arnold, 1852 

I have been a fan of Victorian poetry for a long time, and this poem really spoke to me and what I wanted to do. It just seemed perfect.

After a long hiatus...

Wow, I did not realize how long its been since I updated! Time has just flown by since school has started. A lot has happened, good and bad, and I've had my ups and downs of course, just like everybody. School has been keeping me very busy, and I just got back from Tennessee where I attended a conference.

I think the biggest new development lately has been my decision to grow my hair out natural and probably cut it short. I've relaxed my hair most of my life, and I don't even really know what its like or what it looks like natural. I've also had my hair at least shoulder length. But I decided about a month and a half ago to stop relaxing my hair and grow it out. That was followed up with me beginning to think about cutting it short. I've been liking the idea more and more. Last year, I tried to grow my hair out and I didn't get very far. This year I feel more committed and prepared about how to take care of my hair, since it is a very different process than taking care of my hair as it has been for the past, well, more than ten years. A year ago, and even less than that, I never even entertained the idea of having short hair. It just didn't seem me. But I really like the idea now, and there's nothing to say that short hair isn't me. What's me anyhow? Certainly not the length of my hair. I want to embrace what was given to me and what is naturally there, rather than making it into something its not. I've spent a lot of my life wishing I had long, flowing, hair, and I've spent a lot of time, money, and effort trying to get as close to that as I could. But I see so many African American women with short hair, curly hair, natural hair, and different hairstyles like braids, locs, and twists that are beautiful. Their hair is beautiful. There is a kind of ownership of themselves, their hair, and the way they are that speaks to me. I love it. I want to do that. And I think I've reached that point. I really do love my hair in its natural state in a way that I never have before. It was always, relax it as soon as it grows back 'cause its just a thick kinky mess. It was this negative thing. I now very much see it as a positive thing, a part of me that I need to (and have wholeheartedly) embraced. Its going to be a big change, and weird at first, I imagine, to have short hair. But I really look forward to it. :)