Its been way too long since I updated (yet again...) but I am determined to keep this blog up. I am finally finished with my semester so I have some time to update more and keep this up more. 

My latest news is that I did end up cutting my hair off! I did the "Big Chop" on October 29th. I couldn't be happier with it! Its easy to take care of and I love it. I think it makes me look older and more mature, and I think it suits me. I still get compliments about it! I am looking forward to seeing what it does and how it looks as it grows. I know its thick. It always has been. But I haven't had my hair curly since I was a little girl. So I am excited to see what happens as time passes. I am learning more and more about my hair everyday--finding out what it likes, what it doesn't, what I should do to it, and what I shouldn't. I intend to post pictures as well!

Title Explanation

I realized I should probably explain the title of this blog. The phrase "the mystery of this heart which beats" is from a poem by Victorian English poet Matthew Arnold. The poem is "The Buried Life." The poem is essentially about finding the essence of life in the midst of a crazy world and hectic life as well as finding our true selves. And it is love that helps us do that and makes it possible. 

A quote from the poem (I would encourage anyone to read the whole thing, its wonderful): 

"Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o'er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there's a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne. [...] 

But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go."

--From "The Buried Life" by Matthew Arnold, 1852 

I have been a fan of Victorian poetry for a long time, and this poem really spoke to me and what I wanted to do. It just seemed perfect.

After a long hiatus...

Wow, I did not realize how long its been since I updated! Time has just flown by since school has started. A lot has happened, good and bad, and I've had my ups and downs of course, just like everybody. School has been keeping me very busy, and I just got back from Tennessee where I attended a conference.

I think the biggest new development lately has been my decision to grow my hair out natural and probably cut it short. I've relaxed my hair most of my life, and I don't even really know what its like or what it looks like natural. I've also had my hair at least shoulder length. But I decided about a month and a half ago to stop relaxing my hair and grow it out. That was followed up with me beginning to think about cutting it short. I've been liking the idea more and more. Last year, I tried to grow my hair out and I didn't get very far. This year I feel more committed and prepared about how to take care of my hair, since it is a very different process than taking care of my hair as it has been for the past, well, more than ten years. A year ago, and even less than that, I never even entertained the idea of having short hair. It just didn't seem me. But I really like the idea now, and there's nothing to say that short hair isn't me. What's me anyhow? Certainly not the length of my hair. I want to embrace what was given to me and what is naturally there, rather than making it into something its not. I've spent a lot of my life wishing I had long, flowing, hair, and I've spent a lot of time, money, and effort trying to get as close to that as I could. But I see so many African American women with short hair, curly hair, natural hair, and different hairstyles like braids, locs, and twists that are beautiful. Their hair is beautiful. There is a kind of ownership of themselves, their hair, and the way they are that speaks to me. I love it. I want to do that. And I think I've reached that point. I really do love my hair in its natural state in a way that I never have before. It was always, relax it as soon as it grows back 'cause its just a thick kinky mess. It was this negative thing. I now very much see it as a positive thing, a part of me that I need to (and have wholeheartedly) embraced. Its going to be a big change, and weird at first, I imagine, to have short hair. But I really look forward to it. :)

San Francisco

I went to San Francisco last week for three days and it was amazing! It was a last minute trip, and well worth it! We drove up Route 1 on the way there. It was a beautiful drive. I'd never been to northern California before. I knew it was different from southern California but I didn't know how much. It reminded me more of what I imagine the Northwest is like than California. The topography was different, the vegetation was different. Most of the drive up along the coast was foggy but in a sort of ethereal, beautiful way. Plus, it was a little nice to not have to realize how high up we were as we drove along the windy road in the mountains right next to the ocean. One of the things I love most about California is how the mountains and cliffs run right into the sea. And the redwoods! I'd never seen them, and they were amazing. And huge! Good Lord, were they big.

The drive up was not all nature etc though. We stopped by some interesting places though not for long because we did the drive in a day and wanted to be able to see San Francisco once we got there. We drove though Buellton, the "home of split pea soup" (I didn't know there was one lol), stopped for a quick lunch in Big Sur, which was gorgeous. We stopped in San Luis Obispo to see the Spanish mission there, which made me immensely happy, being a student of history and architecture. We stopped in Monterey, where my boyfriend grew up as a baby. We wanted to stop and find their old house but ran out of time (we were able to stop on the way back though).

We got to SF in the mid afternoon and hit the town. Fisherman's Wharf was our first stop and we walked the city on the way. We immediately loved it. Like a west coast New York City but with more color (and more fog too, at least while we were there...). It was really nice to be in such a walkable city after being in LA, which is, for the most part, anything but. At Fisherman's Wharf, we toured a bakery, saw Alcatraz (but only from afar, we didn't enough time for a tour there), saw seals that hang out off the pier, and just generally walked around and had a great time. We intended to go out that night but I was too tired (we'd gotten up at 4 to leave at 5) so we hit the hay early to get ready for a full day the next day.

Enough for now, I think! I'll conclude SF in in the next post. Needless to say, if you ever have a chance to go (and drive up the 1 on the way), I'd highly recommend it. It was an amazing city! I'm very glad I suggested it last minute, which is very different for me, and I intend to learn from that and keep suggesting new, different things in the future.

Back home!

I'm back home in LA and loving every minute of it! I'm finally moved into my new place, and its amazing. I'm so glad I made the decision to move into my own place. It was a somewhat big thing to do for me, since I've never lived on my own before. But I'm glad I did. And I am very glad that I had the realization I did, that I can live my life the way I want to, that I control my life and destiny. That doesn't, however, mean I have to be controlling over every aspect of my life. I tend to be rather uptight and anal-retentive about things. Things have to be a certain way all the time. I do things the same way every time, or I get anxious. And I still do sometimes, but realizing that things do not have to be like that--that I can the master of my own life without having to be controlling to the point of obsession--has left me feeling a lot freer than I ever have before.

I am already trying to be more spontaneous and live my life to the fullest. Before, new ideas that I had would often get filed away in a list in my brain entitled "would be nice to do someday." Now I think, "why not now? what's stopping me?" So in that vein, I decided to go to San Francisco for a few days with my boyfriend next week. We've been talking about doing it for awhile and love to travel. And now, we both have time. So I said, why not? let's just go for a little bit. It may seem like a small thing, but this was a big step for me-- merely asking myself "why not?" Because the answer was that nothing was holding me back but myself. I want to use this idea in all parts of my life. Most of the time, there is nothing holding me back from doing things but myself, and I don't want to spend any more of my time on the sidelines because I'm too afraid to take the plunge into something new. That's the fun in life, and instead of letting the prospect of the unknown hold me back, I intend to let it propel me into new and better things.

New beginnings? I hope so!

Some introductory thoughts (aka about me and about this blog):

I'm a pretty normal, quiet, more than slightly neurotic girl. I moved to L.A. a year ago, and I'm loving my life. I just moved into my own place and I have a year left in grad school. And I've decided that I want to revamp my life. I'm not going to drop out of school, completely derail things, or anything like that because I love what I do and how things are going so far. But I'm restless and its time for a change. I've always been a conventional girl who followed the conventional path. But I'm done with that. I want to live outside the box after living firmly and squarely inside of it my whole life! So this is going to be the place where I outline my goals, catalog dreams, keep track of my progress, and record my adventures (hopefully!) Because what I've discovered is that I don't need to veer off on a completely different path, I just need to live my life the way I want to live it and do what I want to do. What I want, not what anyone else says. So this will be me, recording this new direction, living my 20-something life and making the most of it!